desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

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desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by shez24 on Wed 17 Jul 2013 - 11:21

Hi guys

I seldom post and I do apologize but I just don't have the time as much as I wish I do.

So I hope you don't mind reading my post and giving me some advice. Maybe someone has gone through it as well.

My little girl who is 17.5 months old got tonsillitis over a month ago, I stayed at home with her for 2 days and she slept on my chest non stop. Since then she has become very clingy and has separation anxiety which she never had before. We were having problems as she didn't want to go to bed but that has gotten better as I give her a dolly and a nightlight to comfort her. But I am beside myself as she has changed from being miss independent to extremely clingy. She is at daycare during the day since she was 4 months old but has a long day being dropped off at 7am and picked up at 6pm. She has a lovely relationship with the day mother so I don't think its got to do with daycare. When we get home, she wants me to carry her everywhere, its not enough for her to sit on my lap and read a book, she wants me to pick her up and move around with her. I almost think its so she can see at my level or something because then she points and asks for everything on the counters that she wants, which she cant always have so then she has tantrums and also if we dont understand her. I cant even put her down to go to the toilet or run a bath and she cries and has a tantrum or runs after me begging to be picked up. Sometimes she forgets and gets on with playing with her toys like she used to but then its like she all of a sudden looks at me and remembers she is no longer with me and comes running back to me to be picked up. She seems to have lost interest in her toys and her books even though we have bought her new ones. I'm struggling to set boundaries with her and it feels like she is taking advantage of me and its getting to the point where I'm at breaking point and loosing my temper with her like I have never before like a rage and I feel like an awful mom for behaving like this because I don't want to scream at her anymore, I feel so terrible. This morning she wasn't feeling well but refused to let me change her nappy or give her meds, just wanted me to carry her everywhere and when I got upset, my husband came and shouted at her and she listened to him and stopped and let him change her nappy. What am I doing wrong?? I have read that toddlers go through clingy phases and some sites say you must carry them if they want to be carried and be loving but sometimes I just can't carry her everywhere. Its just gotten too much. I also just had a shoulder op so I can only carry her on one side which frustrates me even more. She is way more clingy with me than my husband and I don't know if its got to do with the fact that I couldn't carry her at all just after I had my shoulder op. I'm just hoping there is light at the end of the tunnel and this is a normal phase. I must mention she is teething bigtime and has pushing through 10 teeth at the same time, all at different stages but surely that's not why she is so clingy?? Is this normal?

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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by Tanja on Wed 17 Jul 2013 - 12:39

My daughter was the same.
It is just a phase they are going through.

Just put your foot down. Don't pick her up. If she cries so be it. They have to learn from a young age that they can't always have it their way. As my DH always say to me, Who is the mother, you or her.

Good luck Shez
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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by shez24 on Thu 18 Jul 2013 - 7:06

Thanks Tanja for replying, I appreciate it. She was impossible again last night and screamed non stop when I didn't pick her up. She eventually calmed down and sat on my lap but it started all over again this morning. When I tried to sit her on my lap to read a book, she threw the book across the room and begged me to carry her around. I hope its just a phase because looks like we are going to be enduring screaming all the time until she understands she can't have me 100% of the time. i miss my happy go lucky little girl.

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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by Honey on Thu 18 Jul 2013 - 7:29

The very first thing you have to do, is take a deep breath. If you DIDNT lose your temper with your child on occasion it would be more reason for worry.

I think its a phase, coupled with the comfort she got used to while she was recovering from tonsilitis. My son Zander went through the same at that age, he would also point at things on the counter that he would want but couldnt verbalise and then get mighty upset when I hand him the wrong thing.

While I love my son with all my heart I dont have the time or patience to carry him everywhere, so what I did was put on an apron when I got hom and make him hold on at the back and play choochoo train. That way he got to follow me everywhere, although I had to move much slower‼

Your husband is going to have to step up here as well. I recently had discs in my neck replaced and i am still not allowed to carry my son around. There may be a very good chance that she isn't necessarily MORE clingy than before your surgery, but because you are impaired, and probably in some pain, in feels like it is worse. She probably senses your discomfort, but not understanding why, its making her feel the same and so a vicious cycle starts.

A good idea would be for your husband to take her out, to a playpark, to the mall, wherever, and you don't go with. That way you get a breather, and she learns to cope without you for periods of time.

I dont agree with books that say "pick the child up if she cries" because thats the same as giving her what she wants everytime, and teaches her that tears will make her get her way. BUT she is still very young so you need to bring this discipline in from a different angle.

The reason why she probably listened to your husband this morning is because he was using "The Voice", which you should try to get as well. Its about using your voice in such a way so that the child knows that when you speak like that (not necessarily shouting) trouble is on the way. My son knew well before the age of one what "The Voice" sounded like with me, and to this day he doesn't stretch the limits when I use it.

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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by shez24 on Thu 18 Jul 2013 - 7:44

Hi Honey!

Its so assuring to hear I'm not alone and others have gone through it too. I think I will try that choochoo idea tonight-so cute! Its so frustrating for my husband, he really takes it hard as she doesn't want his comfort, she will be in his arms and reach out for me and cries so much if he doesn't hand her over to me. He did everything for her for 6 weeks when i couldnt pick her up at all and then she was very attached to him and now that I'm getting better she only wants me.

Shame a neck op must be painful! I sympathize with you bigtime as I understand what you are going through.

I also dont understand why they say i must pick her up each time she wants it because I start to feel like a real push over and maybe that's why she is not listening to me either when I say no.

I need to start exercising 'the voice' because I'm a softy and when I tried speaking to her sternly last night it wasn't working.

I guess the terrible twos have come a bit early and this is when we need to start disciplining her and getting results because we are so new at this and what we are doing right now doesn't seem to be working.

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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by Joleen on Thu 18 Jul 2013 - 8:09

It is difficult but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I had to cause with two!!! I cannot have them both on my lap and both picked up. It is a phase and sometimes still Wade will cling to my leg and I have to tell him no. It also depends on where they are with themselves. They all have their own insecurities from time to time and with her having been sick it has set her back a bit.

I think it is time for your DH to step in when she demands that it be you. Kids know who they can try their luck with and who they can't.
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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by sweetpea on Thu 18 Jul 2013 - 12:16

mine is the same :Sad

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Re: desperately need advice for clingy toddler..please :(

Post by emerald on Tue 23 Jul 2013 - 8:07

They do go through that phase but it gets better, i can assure u. Mine are 4ys 8 months now and when i carry them now, they ask me to put them down as they need to go and play. We still have our snuggle time, but sometime times i just want to carry them, so i know it is fraustrating now, but one day u gonna miss it.

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