Problem from the heart ...

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Problem from the heart ...

Post by D on Wed 19 Jun 2013 - 7:24

Good Morning Ladies,

I dont know where else to go to for advice. I have a problem - and its a very big problem to me.
My husband doesnt want to make love anymore. And I dont know what I am doing wrong. Lets re-frase that - we used to have a healthy sex life - maybe 3 to 4 times a week get intimate. Now its trickled down to maybe once every 2 weeks - and ots when HE feels like it. Seems like he has become very selfish and I dont know what to do. We have spoken about it and I have cried about it - and there is always a different excuse - first its stress at work, then its he is not feeling well - the new excuse is that he doesnt WANT to because I dont respect him in the way I speak to him. I tell him how to be a father (this is not true btw - I just comment every now and then about what I would do in certain circumstances - he sees this as me "putting him down")
Its just that now I cant even talk about this issue with him anymore - he has put me in a scenario that something which should be so natural and just happen (which it was) now has to be calculated - I dont even know how to approach him anymore. He is really breaking my spirit here and I dont know what to do. I am so sad today - have been crying since this morning and for some reason it just doesnt stop.
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by D on Wed 19 Jun 2013 - 7:25

P.S. Excuse the spelling mistakes - too many to correct
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Adele S on Wed 19 Jun 2013 - 8:50

My one friend's husband started avoiding sex and turned out that he had erectile issues. He also had an issue about the way she spoke to him, like he was one of the children.

I think sometimes us women tend to speak in a very condescending way towards our partners (not everybody).

One couple we have known when they were childless, now has a baby, and it is shocking in the way she speaks to him since the baby came.

This poor man means well by helping her but he cannot do anything right in her eyes. The way he bathes the lg, the way he dresses, does the nappy, gives the bottle, holds her. I feel sorry for him cause she degrades him in front of people and he just says nothing. He is now at a stage that he just leaves it.

Not saying you are doing it because I am not in your house but we dont always realise how we sound and make people feel. That counts for everything. We are also just human.

How about trying to get the flame going again.
Bring in some "kinkiness" in the bedroom. Be wild again.
Maybe he misses the old "you" before the baby.

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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Mandy-Leigh on Thu 20 Jun 2013 - 9:42

Shame I feel sorry for you, because in our house it tends to be the other way around and I sometimes see te pain in my husbands eyes, because I am not that into it anymore ( we had a baby 9 months ago). The thing is that I have so many things on my mind these days and the will is there but not really the stamina or the drive. Maybe give him some space, I sure know I needed some at one point. We had to abstain for the whole pregnancy due to complications with a previous pregnancy and for some reason DH got the idea that when the pregnancy is over we would have mind blowing sex again like rabbits because we were so good to abstain for nine months. And with a new baby in the house it's quite tricky as there are only certain times when we can do it, so I HATE it when the baby is finally down (at 7 pm) and my husband comes and jumps on me before I can even sit and relax for 5 minutes let alone start the supper. Then it feels like a chore. And it becomes "meaningless" to me. But I do trt, and I guess that is what is most important.
On the other hand, knowing all this, if my husband suddenly goes off sex, I certainly would be worried and I might even try to find out if there is someone or something else in the picture. I am not saying this is the case with you but I would make sure if it was my husband.
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Joleen on Fri 21 Jun 2013 - 9:20

Communication is so important in a relationship and I think if you have that then you are  half way there.  I think it is normal after a baby to not "want to jump someone's bones" and you must be able to tell your partner you are tired, sick etc.  I do believe even if there is no lovemaking as long as there is still touching (a grip on the arm, touch on the bum, a kiss in the neck) then you are still alright.

I think a lot of pressure is placed on quantity rather than quality.  Both people must be "in the mood" or else it becomes a chore. 

Get the intimacy back.  Make him his favourite supper.  Send him an sms during the day telling him what a wonderful dad he is and how much he means to you etc, etc. 

Light some candles, serve dinner, and just try and talk.  Offer to give him a massage and see where it leads to. 

I am not an expert and also you know your DH.
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by elleznom on Sun 23 Jun 2013 - 5:09

Can I say, my children has gone to school in the past with half pj's and half daytime clothes. But I shut up, because I am grateful for the help and I want him to learn how to do it on his own. I feel, if I keep on putting him down and telling him how, I may as well be doing it myself, as I am playing ref from the side. And remember, then you can't dare moan about not getting help, because you are not allowing help (let go)

Men doesn't like to be critisised, even if it's wrong, at least he is trying. Woman must remember that we were a hot sexy wife before we became a mom. Don't let that be an excuse. Woman have little to no sexual "desire", but once we have sex, we realise we want to have sex, the work of the man is to "awake" that "want". Men can take 3-4 sexual rejections, then they "shut down", watch out...

We have been watching the "Laugh you way to a better marriage" series available from CUM, by Mark Gungor. BRILLIANT in explaining men and woman in general, sexual, the way we think, what makes us tick, etc. It's not bible bashing, it's, as he says, actually a marriage seminar for people who hate marriage seminars. It's hilarious. Maybe watch that with him, I laughed till I cried and it really helps you understand certain things.

Xxx

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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Adele S on Mon 24 Jun 2013 - 6:00

I have been told few times to watch that dvd (laugh your way to a better marriage).

Monz - I agree with every word you said

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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Mandri on Mon 24 Jun 2013 - 7:32

Dalila when last did you  have a date night with hubby?  I know, I know.  It is damn hard leaving your precious baby with some one but the weekend we took the leap and went to a wedding and after that we went dancing.  I had a blast and was all lovey dovey with DH.  It made a huge difference in our relationship that we decided to do this more often.  I feel more relaxed and DH got what he wanted... :Embarassed  And for the first time in months I really enjoyed it... :Embarassed.  So do yourself and DH a favour and go paint the town red!

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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by D on Mon 24 Jun 2013 - 8:57

Thank you guys for all the kind and understanding words. Things are better at home. Annabelle was in hospital last week and I saw the most amazing side of my hubby - we took turns sleeping at the hospital - he IS A REALLY GOOD DADDY.
Joleen - your right about the quality and not quantity.
I did forget to mention that my mom-in-law is living with us for this year - watching our little angel. That probebly has something to do with his mood change as well.
Mandri - I agree with the date night - we have done it before, and we MUST make it a habit - its just so difficult to find the time :-(

God Bless you all and have a super wonderful week.

MWA!
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Honey on Mon 24 Jun 2013 - 11:00

Okay let me try my take on this:

When did this intimacy thing become an issue?  Long BEFORE your daughter went to hospital, or only while she was in hospital.  Before your mother in law moved in or after?  Has it gotten better since your daughter was discharged?

Communication comes from both sides - sure, men don't like being critisized but he also doesn't have to take your advice so personal and feels as if you are putting him down.  I do comment when my husband does something lopsided, but only if I feel he may appreciate the advice, and usually he does.  It's still his prerogative to use my advise or not.

You seem pretty upset in your first post, so I would be hesitant to get excited too quickly because things are better now, since only a week has lapsed since your post.

My husband is bipolar and manic depressive, so his condition along with the medication he takes = zero sex drive.  Having never been a sexual person myself I dont mind this at all, but if there is a sudden change in your sex life you need to know the reason why, it could be depression, medication, physiological, and you also need to consider that he might be seeing someone else (thought i'd say it since no one else did)  all of these, except the latter, are easily managed and I would suggest some marriage counselling.  He clearly has some issues he needs to work through as well.

Don't stare yourself blind in the "good father" part, because he needs to be a good husband as well in order for your family dynamic to work.  Like your daughter, you also have needs and expectations from your husband.  To me it sounds like he has a lot to say about what YOU are doing wrong, but not making an active suggestion on how to fix it and he also needs to acknowledge that he needs to make more effort with your relationship.

Try the date night things, but also try to get a good talk in and take your stand a wife who's wants and needs are as important as his.

There is an Afrikaans saying that goes" hy gooi jakkalsdraaie"...and i think thats the case here...
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by D on Mon 24 Jun 2013 - 13:23

Hey Honey.
My mom-in-law moved in the end of last year before Annabelle was born - she will be here until the end of this year. We had a high risk pregnancy - so we couldnt have sex while I was pregnant (had a miscarriage the previous year) - and basically since then the things are different. I dont think he is seeing anyone else cos he is around exactly the same times as before - but you never know hey. He still is affectionate - hugs and kisses me.
I agree with the fact that I also have needs - and that is what we are going to have to work on. Like I said - at the moment things are okay - its just the "flame" thats sort of dissappeared - hopefully it comes back.
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Re: Problem from the heart ...

Post by Kirsten on Thu 27 Jun 2013 - 8:13

Laugh you way to a better marriage is brilliant!!! I highly recommend it, its not bible bashing or preaching in anyway at all.
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