My update

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My update

Post by idt on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 7:43

Ladies, thank you very much for your support yesterday. It meant the world to me.

So I tiped the letter at work & forgot it in my drawer. :Embarassed

Anyway, when I got home he was there waiting for me. He took Wynand, helped with him and played with him. He spent every minute with him up to sleeping time, but I could see every time he look at him there are tears in his eyes. While I was putting him to bed DH even made supper.

He then refused to switch on the TV, and said he prefer that we spend the time together to work things trough. So we started talking & talking & talking ... up to 03:30 this morning.

I HAve registered his cell phone account & went through it with him - told his he has to face the facts of how bad it was - she's got 3 numbers & since Nov he sent 498 sms's & made nearly 1200 phone calls to her. The phone bill for Nov, Dec & JAn are +- R8000. :Shocked But I could also see that everything he told me was true & that he did call much less in Jan.

So I told him what I wrote in the letter & he aggreed to everything I suggested. We then took it from the start. At first he said it was all his fault, but as we went through everything it became very clear to me - she had it all planned. She started to be very interested in W since birth, and what man won't tell everybody about his new son... She knew we would spend less time together as I had to take care of W, and she knew when. Then she started phoning or sms'ing him at those times, but with innocent things so that he won't become uncomfortable. LAter on it became more and more... He said that they always just talked about general things & later about her & his work, but never about us. He admit that he was wrong, but I think she was cleaver. I Also told him that I don't think he was the first or the last & he said he think it's true, because when he told her it's over it was just like "oh, ok." He said she didn't even bother to ask why or nothing. Also he promissed me again that nothing happend. He said he did admit that it was an affair, because it was "skelm" and can't go through as a friendship but for him it was like a drug of which he couldn't get enough, but he never even thought about a physical relationship. If I go through everything it seems as if she wanted more and when he didn't want to give more she got bored and thats why the calls and everything got less.

I Know it sound mad, but I also feel pitty for him, because I don't think he ever expected this to happen to him, and she is VERY VERY cleaver in getting her target without them knowing they are beiing hunted. And also I think she wanted a challenge & that's why she went for him - she knew we were happy & he would never get involved in a relationship, but there's a new baby in the house that cause a few weak points that we never thought of up to now.

Anyway, I Have told him that I am happy that once I found out he didn't lie about anything that I could find out. Also I can say that I truly believe that we will be able to put this behind us, grow closer to each other & go on with our lives. I Know in my heart that I will be able to forgive him & together we are going to make it work. In a way I feel excited about the idea of getting to know each other all over again, dating ....right up to the moment of total healing and a wonderfull new start. I Know it's going to take time, but it will be worth it in the end. He doesn't expect anything from me & say he will be patient for as long as I need, he is just very greatefull for a chance that he feel he doesn't deserve.

Only thing that I can't make my mind up about yet is wheather or not to confront her. DH said he won't stand in my way if I want to, and will even go with me but he'd prefer if I leave it. He says the reason for that is that he now know that he don't know her at all, and that he only know that she doesn't care about what she does or who she hurt & he is scared that she will say things to hurt me & he think I am to "soft" to fight against that but if I want to I am free to do it & he will be there to support me if needed.

Sorry about the long & very "deurmekaar" post, but I just wanted to let you know.
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Re: My update

Post by Haze on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 7:56

I'm so glad that you and DH have managed to talk about it...

So often men are blamed for affairs, but I have a friend who actually knew a guy was married, she wanted him and went out and got him, woman are more "powerful" and sly than people realise and it does sound like she was after you hubby... and men LOVE having their egos stroked, and its so easy to be flattered and then fall for it...Having said that - your DH should have told you about it it in the beginning and put an end to it immediately!

Good luck and I'm sure your relationship is going to be so much stronger after this.

Hugs

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Re: My update

Post by emerald on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 7:57

I am so glad that all worked out and you guys can put this past you. And atleast you have the comfort of knowing that there was not a physical relationship, it was more just flirting, so technically it was not an affair as such.

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Re: My update

Post by Ams on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 7:58

Shew idt - you are one brave lady - and a very strong one too. I'm not sure if I could be as self controlled as you - I really take my hat of to you and wish you all the best. It does sound as if DH kinda 'fell' into the sitaution hey? Ai these men :<

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Re: My update

Post by Jasmine786 on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 8:01

I really hope and pray that this is the beginning of your healing. I also hope that your DH is being honest and that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING physical happened. I am not trying to put doubt in your mind. But I would take a while to believe my DH again, if it was me. Please, dont take me wrong, okay? I just want you to be careful, so that you wont be hurt again. DId they work together? How does he know her?
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Re: My update

Post by idt on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 8:21

Jasmine, that's exactly how I feel & what I told him. I Need time to work through the details and to make absolutely sure about everything he told me. If after all that EVERYTHING he said is true I am sure I will be able to trust him again, but if he lied to me about ANYTHING it's a whole new ball game. That is why I gave him the opertunity last night to come clear. I Told him that I will accept whatever happend as nobody can change it now BUT then he have to tell me now himself. He then promissed me again that nothing happened, he only gave her a hug a few times when she was crying.

The work at a corporation store in town & he buy all his hardware, dogfood, food for the labour etc there. Unfortunately he will still have to go there, but he also say that he will be able to cope with it & he accept that I will always be in doubt. At least I know he will now be open minded about her and know what she can cause, because if anything happen again he will loose EVERYTHING he owns as he agreed to have the contract.
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Re: My update

Post by DJMommy on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 9:09

So glad that you two were able to talk about it IDT.

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Re: My update

Post by Jasmine786 on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 9:10

I am happy that you made thatpart clear to him IDT. Also, he would be a fool to lie to you after you gave him the chance to come clean.

Everything of the best to you and I hope and pray things work out just the way you want it to! Good luck to you.
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Re: My update

Post by Mich on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 9:16

shame IDT, i dont know the whole story but sounds like you have been through alot of heart ache. im glad you could talk about this and i really pray for healing and that your relationship will become stronger than ever before. may nothing ever come between you again. lots of love and strength to you xxx
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Re: My update

Post by idt on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 9:42

Thank you ladies.

It's not easy though, just as soon as I have everything worked out there is something else that come in my mind & then I feel so "heart sore" again.

I Am still going to give him the letter for yeaterday, but I'm adding on today's date anything I can think of. There I give him yet another chance to tell me ANYTHING and I offer forgiveness in writing for whatever happened in the past as long as HE tell me NOW. And I confirm everything I told him last night in writing & tell him that I am checking every little detail to see if I can trust him again.
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Re: My update

Post by Jasmine786 on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 10:47

I think that is a good idea, Idt. If there is still anything he did not tell you, this should be his chance. All the best to you!
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Re: My update

Post by Ilze on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 11:23

Big hugs IDT, and may I suggest go for couples therapy and sort this out together. But found someone both of you are comfortable with.

Good luck
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Re: My update

Post by Gabby on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 11:48

1200 calls and close to 500 text messages :affraid

Shoo Idt I dont know what to say. I am with Jasmine though, I would like to know if he's telling the truth about not having a physical relationship. The only way to find out is to conduct an investigation which will in all likelihood lead to a confrontation with her.

I am a naturally suspicious person - in fact some of my friends say I am like Jessica Fletcher. If I were you I would assume that he is asking that you dont confront her because he is lying about something and is scared the truth will come out.

I dont want to upset you Idt by what I am saying but I think you need to delve deeper to ensure that you ARE FULLY INFORMED so that you can make an INFORMED decision about the future. It takes two to tango and while he has painted a picture of her being sly and clever - which she probably is - the fact remains that he spent R8000 of YOUR money communicating with her. What it says is that he reciprocated.

If you find out that everything he has told you is true then you know that you can make an informed decision and move forward. This is what I hope for you.

But I wouldnt just leave it at this. But that's just me.
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Re: My update

Post by idt on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 12:10

Thank you gabby & I totally agree with you. That is one reason why I a prepared to offer him yet another chance to come clean. Trust me, I am going to use all my means to find out what the REAL trust is. This is a VERY small town, & everybody knows everything from everybody ....

At this stage I am prepared to work on the relationship while I do my investigations. By working on the relationship he knows clearly that does NOT include the physical side of the relationship.

At the end, if I find everything he said is the truth (which I hope will be) then I will totally forgive him because then I know I will be able to try and trust him again. BUT if I find out by my own means that he lie the story will be totally different. That is also one reason why I'm not going to confront her now - she will in anyway lie. I Will rather confront her when I have more facts on hand & are more prepared & less emotional.

I Am also thinking of asking one of the black clerks that work with me if they know of someone without work who I can trust to walk around during the day and see what they are up to. It will have to be a black person they don't know, others they will be suspicious.
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Re: My update

Post by vivla on Tue 1 Feb 2011 - 20:28

i agree with gabby and i say her husband should be told.

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