Photo's to my social worker

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Wed 10 Nov 2010 - 8:30

It's exactly like that Sheena.
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Wed 10 Nov 2010 - 8:42

Pandora wrote:Hi Michmac,
Do you have a time limit on this agreement? We didn't have such an agreement, but I send phtos and an update every 6 months as well. I find it just as hard. The BM only once requested a photo, via the SW, that was just before Christmas last year.
I find deciding on the pictures very hard and I keep my updates quite general. Somehow I don't want to give too much away, at the same time I want her to know my daughter is safe and happy. I have mentioned to the SW that if the BM ever wishes to send a letter for L to read when she is older, I would keep it for her.
I am also eternally grateful to this woman who gave us so much joy and will never forget what she did, I still often marvel that a total stranger could have done this for us.
That said, I don't think I could cope with an open adoption, and I can't even explain why. So I totally understand how you feel, at the same time I can't explain it!
BTW, our daughters are very close in age, must be a matter of days!

Hi Pandora, it isn't a written agreement as such just an agreement with my sw that i will provide updates and photo's until she starts school which means that i could probably just not do it but then that would be breaking a promise i made to someone that gave me so much. I also find choosing the photo's difficult as well and have taken to also keeping the updates general but each time it just seems to get harder and take longer for me to actually do it. I now know for a fact that i could never cope with an open adoption, just sending updates is difficult so having to deal with more than that wouldn't work for me. To be honest the sw i dealt with was not pro open adoption at all and i can see why the complications must be huge. When was your daughter born Pandora?
:Yes i must agree with the parenting when you are older bit and the knees creaking when crawling around Laughing but i also wouldn't change it for the world!
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Pandora on Wed 10 Nov 2010 - 18:11

Sh was born 28th March. So now she is like a little wind up doll, always running back and forth. I lost some weight in the last year without even trying. Between running after her and lifting all14kgs of her, who need gym! But yes, the body aint so supple anymore, it takes a bit more effort getting up off the floor, especially when she's just jumped all over me. And I agree, wouldn't change it for the world either! Smile It keeps me young. And I am reliving my own youth now, all the songs and stories. I am amazed how much I actually remember!

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Petru on Wed 24 Nov 2010 - 8:32

Michmac, You are not alone. My angles are not even adopted, we are still busy with the process, and that is difficult. My babies situation with the BM is difficult as she is young (18) and a legal case of child abuse is still pending against her. The BM made comments that she wants to be kept up to date with the children, should she sign them off for adoption and I have also said yes yes! anything, but I know how you feel, I am also battling with SHARING, I have to sit in these visitations and share verbally everything of them with her in front of my social worker, I feel drained, almost as if I loose them every time, when I in all honesty just want to keep quiet and not share anything. I am going through a couple of visitations each year, well second year, and I tell you it is hell. I sometimes think I am crazy, as you tend to continue with your and your children's lives almost forgetting what the situation is, and YES I am only looking after them, and bla bla bla over the BM that are not with her children, making sacrifices, but they are my babies, and I feel sometimes angry, as to the frustrations. I will share a secret with you, I have started a very silly ritual, they would wear clothes for the visitations, and after that I pack them away, not to be worn again, I think it is my proses of dealing with it, I feel I do not want to share anything with her, their progress, anything, but I have to, so I feel stupid about it, but I also realize I also have to cope with sharing. So, the clothes gets donated to welfare every now and again! Be strong, it is difficult besides the big responsibility of being a parent. It is not an easy thing to do!

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Wed 24 Nov 2010 - 13:31

Wow Petru how do you cope?? I truly admire your strength, here i am whining about sending off a few photo's and a written update when you have to actually take your children physically to a meeting and see the bm WOW i'm sorry and i really do admire the strength it must take to get yourself through those meetings. I like the ritual you have started, it's a brilliant idea and it helps you cope. Do you know how long before the adoption process will be finalised?
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Petru on Wed 24 Nov 2010 - 14:53

Hi Michmac, No Please! I really appreciate it to read your situation, because sometimes I feel so guilty to complain, that I start to live my own life, feelings wise, because I sometimes feel so alienated... to be honest, because there is not allot of people getting what we as adopotive parents go through!
At the moment the adoption is frustrating. We have foster parent rights for two years. Nov 9 was the first year, and the new childrens law is written that we are foster parents can apply for adoption at the childrens court withou concent from the BM. Our social worker has advised us in the beginning of the month that it is before dec, holiday bla bla bla, it would be advisable to do it end January when everyone starts again... so we have to wait. We have actually got another visit that the social worker arranged before dec, they want to talk to her and tell her that we are going ahead with the adoption withou her permission, still giving her the choice to sign them off. What worries me, the criminal case is proceeding against her and we were told that if the judge hears the case there is a very good chance she can go to jail.... and I feat it will just prolong things. I wish I have more info, but we are so depended to other people. I am a self do..er, and I wish it is all over... Didi has a very bad reaction with visitations, so it makes me angry to submit her to this each time! But I will keep you posted on the proceedings. We knew from the get go this was going to be hard this way around, but things happen for a reason!
Stay strong! We are women of extraordinary strength! We have to be for our children! Have a great week! Smile

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Pandora on Wed 24 Nov 2010 - 18:33

Petru, you really are strong! But the children are a great motivation. I just pray everyhting works out for you and that they will very soon be yours legally and you can stop the visitations. It is so hard to hear how badly they affect the children, and yet they still have to continue!Sometimes I wonder if people really do things in the best interest of the child. I can't see that in this case. sometimes they shoud rather decide according to an individual situation rather than use a blanket ruling.
I also like your little ritual. I suppose it is like discarding the effects of the meeting.
Thinking of you!

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Petru on Thu 25 Nov 2010 - 8:39

Thanks Pandora, I also feel that the child, is not considered. The visit scheduled for next week thursday, when i was phoned, just kept on giving excuses, some valid some not, because I am exhausted, and I sit with a child for three weeks, not eathing, crying, clingy, not sleeping well, she is two and has been going through this, we have strongly complained about this, everyone kept telling us, you are only foster parents, not really any rights, well, we decided, we will not be treated in this manner, at least now they are taking us seriously, but the visit was scheduled, the carrot of the discussion of adotpion was hangend infront of our noses, we gave in.... The children has got no bond, no connection, hannes has seen her twice and he is already 13 months old. She is incapable to look after them, financially, she has no home, no job she keeps for longer than 3 months, she is 18, their biological father died last year, and the abuse was so severe to Didi, that the social worker told us, with their findings and reports, she is emosionally instable and incapable to look after them. So, that is why we can apply for adoption without her concent, and we are going to do this, we were hoping she would come to her senses and signe them off, which would make things a hell of allot easier... but lets see next week, but we are like a steam train, pushing on, slowly but surely!. I just thoroughly enjoyed MichMac's post, it is good to talk about how you feel, and she did it, and I feel a bit at home here, and not so much alienated, people well my experience in the two years, with their own children, just dont get this proses, and it is difficult to talk as one sounds as if you are complaining. Smile Have a great week!

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Stacy on Thu 13 Jan 2011 - 8:47

Well done michmac!! I know its hard. I also have a biological mother way in the background and unless you in the same position, one can never truly understand. I was so bad that I used to send her distant, or not the best photos)!!! Evil or Very Mad Horrible i know! But with time things change!!

You love and hate them!!!! I love mine because of the amazing amazing gift she has given me that changed my life forever! But I also hate her for going through the pregnancy and birth process of my beatiful baby. An experience that I can never have! And I love my baby girl so so much that I want her to be 100% mine, in blood as well!!

Adoption is a very hard process and still hard even once we get our bundles of joy!! Ive had to really soul search and accept a lot of things about myself in this journey that I wasnt really wanting to deal with!! Dont ever feel bad about your feelings! Just go with them, there is no right or wrong!!

And Im sure, like me- having your little one in your life everyday makes any negative totally worth it!
Hang in there. for you

xxx

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