Photo's to my social worker

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Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 10:56

So today is the day that i have to send photo's to my social worker for Rebecca's birth mom and as with each time i do this i feel like my heart is breaking. Dramatic as that may sound i am torn in two, i want her birth mom to know that she is happy, healthy and loved but a small part of me wants to just keep her all to myself and put my head in the sand and pretend she doesn't exist, how stupid is that No No Don't get me wrong i am eternally grateful to her for the choice she made and for giving me the honor of being Rebecca's mom but as Rebecca grows up i find it more and more difficult to share her. I know i have to get over this because as she gets older the questions will only become more difficult but right now my heart is fighting my head and not wanting to deal with the reality. I know there aren't many adoptive mom's on this forum but i'm really hoping someone can give me advice on how they handle this.
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by DJMommy on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:00

Hi Mich

I am sorry that you are now faced with this. May I ask why you have to show her photos?

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:06

Oops sorry Eve i worded that incorrectly :Embarassed i meant i have to send again. I've been sending them since Rebecca was born, round about every 4/5 months i'll send some photo's and an update of how Rebecca is doing. It's what i agreed to from the get go it's just that it's so easy to say yes yes yes i'll do this or i'll do that but OMW it is seriously easier said than done at this stage. I sound terrible saying this because all her birth mom gets are these photo's and an update so i sound selfish saying it's hard to send them but the truth is it's VERY hard.
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Gabby on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:09

I can just imagine. I wish I had some advice for you Michmac. I am sure that in your shoes I wouldnt want to do it either.

perhaps you can limit the number of photos to say two and send the update as bullet points so it is factual only.
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Guest on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:12

HI M

I really do not know what to say to you. Hugs

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by DJMommy on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:18

Oh I can imagine Mich. I dont have any advice for you unfortunately. Hope someone here does. Wishing you loads of strength to get through this!

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Sheena on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:36

I am not in your situation but I think it is only natural to feel like that. In every sense of the word Rebecca is your daughter but I think in the back of any adoptive mother's mind you always have the "what if's" about the birth mother. Not so much at this stage, of her wanting to take Rebecca from you but about her knowing about her etc and still being a part of her life albeit behind the scenes.

It is you wanting the best for her and wanting to protect her from anything that can upset her or hurt her.

I'm sure that every time the birthmother looks at those photos it must be very hard for her too as she sees the enormity and beauty of what she has had to give up.

Just take comfort in knowing that they are only pictures and that the real deal is safely in your home and heart with you and ONLY you.

HUGS

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Mariska on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:39

I can only wish you luck and the strength Michmac. Hugs
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Haze on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:43

Ah Michmac, I can only imagine how hard it is... I also would have HUGE trouble sending pictures.

big hugs

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 11:57

Sheena wrote:I'm sure that every time the birthmother looks at those photos it must be very hard for her too as she sees the enormity and beauty of what she has had to give up.
Just take comfort in knowing that they are only pictures and that the real deal is safely in your home and heart with you and ONLY you.

Thank you Sheena, you are so right, she has given up an enormous amount and i think i sometimes loose sight of that. I needed to hear that!!

Thank you ladies, your support means the world to me Wub
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 12:19

Hi Michmac, Sheena always says the right things Smiley
I'm obviously not in your position, well not yet anyway, and I have often wondered how I'm going to share info about my daughter/son with the birthmom and to be honest I don't think I will handle it very well. It must be so difficult for you, so just wishing you strength to deal with this huge emotional feeling Wub
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Sheena on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 12:25

:Embarassed glad you think so beause I normally have foot IN mouth disease!

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 12:44

LOL Sheena, you know what I've said to you before about what your chosen profession should be ......
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 12:50

Ok i've done it, i must of edited the email a 1000 times but i've done it for the final time and sent it off to the sw and i actually feel much better now, thanks ladies and thank you Sheena Wub, Carmen's right you know when to say the right thing.

Carmen thanks for the kind words and welcome back!! Girlie wave
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Sheena on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 12:52

@ Carmen :heehee2: for you

Michmach, proud of you! Well done
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:00

Thanks M, been dealing with my own demons where adoption is concerned but I think all my issues are dealt with now Smile

Glad you feel much better now, you a wonderful person and mommy and you have a heart of gold Michmac flowerhi
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Guest on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:02

M I might be going out on a limb here but to me it would constantly be a reminder that she has another "mommy" out there somewhere, and I don't think any mommy would like to share that title with anyone. You might also be a little bit afraid of the birthmother wanting her back when she sees the pics?

Hugs my friend, it really is tough, but I personally wish I could thank the BM for giving her to you. You two are so good together and Rebecca is such a total princess, I seem to forget she was adopted in the first place!


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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:05

Thanks Carmen :Embarassed

I know i've told you a million times before, the waiting is a killer but it is worth it in the long run, i promise you that! Wub
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:14

Thanks again M, I know but I get all worked up about it sometimes ..... just wish it wasn't so hard. Then it feels like maybe the waiting is because I'm not meant to have a child if that makes sense. I know this is all part of the emotional path of adoption though. Also I then have a total turn around and think I'm such an idiot, some people have been waiting years to get the call and here I am only 7 months down the line, how the hell can I be all negative and upset Twisted
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:15

Haas Das wrote:M I might be going out on a limb here but to me it would constantly be a reminder that she has another "mommy" out there somewhere, and I don't think any mommy would like to share that title with anyone. You might also be a little bit afraid of the birthmother wanting her back when she sees the pics?

Hugs my friend, it really is tough, but I personally wish I could thank the BM for giving her to you. You two are so good together and Rebecca is such a total princess, I seem to forget she was adopted in the first place!


HB in a way she will always have two mommy's, her tummy mommy and me and that unfortunately is the reality of adoption and in my head i know that but in my heart it's a battle to come to terms with at times and you are right no mommy likes to share the title. I don't really have a fear of her BM wanting her back as i know legally that can't happen, those days are long gone and Rebecca is legally my daughter. I think it's more the fact that it's a reminder that there are two of us and there always will be. I also forget she is adopted and to be brutally honest i tend to forget she has a BM and then all of a sudden i realise that i should have sent the SW an update and all these emotions come rushing back and then hence the post this morning.
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by michmac on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:23

Carmen wrote:Thanks again M, I know but I get all worked up about it sometimes ..... just wish it wasn't so hard. Then it feels like maybe the waiting is because I'm not meant to have a child if that makes sense. I know this is all part of the emotional path of adoption though. Also I then have a total turn around and think I'm such an idiot, some people have been waiting years to get the call and here I am only 7 months down the line, how the hell can I be all negative and upset Twisted

Don't worry Carmen it makes a hell of alot of sense, i remember those feeling so well big hug

I don't remember if i told you this but a week before i got the call about Rebecca i was convinced that it was never going to happen, i was planning on packing up the nursery and changing it back into a spare room because i convinced myself i'd jinxed it. At that stage i was ready to kill the next person that told me to "be positive it will happen" Reaction so yes i know where you are and it's a really kak place to be. You know if you ever need to talk i am here Hugs
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 13:36

for you Thank you
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Pandora on Tue 9 Nov 2010 - 19:58

Hi Michmac,
Do you have a time limit on this agreement? We didn't have such an agreement, but I send phtos and an update every 6 months as well. I find it just as hard. The BM only once requested a photo, via the SW, that was just before Christmas last year.
I find deciding on the pictures very hard and I keep my updates quite general. Somehow I don't want to give too much away, at the same time I want her to know my daughter is safe and happy. I have mentioned to the SW that if the BM ever wishes to send a letter for L to read when she is older, I would keep it for her.
I am also eternally grateful to this woman who gave us so much joy and will never forget what she did, I still often marvel that a total stranger could have done this for us.
That said, I don't think I could cope with an open adoption, and I can't even explain why. So I totally understand how you feel, at the same time I can't explain it!
BTW, our daughters are very close in age, must be a matter of days!

Carmen, I understand you too, we waited years, and I had the same thoughts as you, are we not meant to be parents, are we not good enough etc. And we had pretty much given up, I always had a cutoff date in my mind, which was 6 months away. We had even started talking about going travelling for 6 months. But then we got our call, and it was all worth the wait. I was a lot older that I wanted to be when I became a mom, but in the end I think the timing was perfect for me. I would not have enjoyed it as much as I do now, although physically it is a bit harder. The bones creak a bit more when I am crawling around on the floor!
Nothing I say will make it easier though, and the very nature of adoption is that it is so random really, no 2 cases are alike! My best advice is don't put your life on hold, and don't give up hope.

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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Carmen on Wed 10 Nov 2010 - 7:01

Thanks for the advice Pandora, really appreciated.
LOL when you say the bones creak a bit more ..... you reminded me of Michmac and her back! My bones will also be same I think LOL!! I'm so looking forward to being mom and going to stay positive and definately not going to give up!

Thanks Michmac & Pandora
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Re: Photo's to my social worker

Post by Sheena on Wed 10 Nov 2010 - 8:11

Carmen, to be honest I think the adoption road is a lot like the ttc road. You tend to put up barriers to protect yourself emotionally.

I have done it so many times and do it so well I start to convince myself that I don't even want children anymore to the point where I now question myself whether that is a real feeling or must me putting up a defence mechanism to confuse myself.

I think this is the way to go
My best advice is don't put your life on hold, and don't give up hope

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