I just need a space ….

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I just need a space ….

Post by reluctantmom on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 9:26

I use my blog as a means to express how I feel about something and often to bounce it around in the open.

I have always held my cards close to my chest, so being able to “say” what I feel and think has been a great therapeutic outlet for me.

It has helped me immensely in working through my thoughts and my feelings dealing with many issues, some complex, some not so much.

Unfortunately I cannot post this on my blog as my partner reads my blog, and I do not want to open the issue with him again right now (if you are hoping for a thread about sex, drugs and murder, you are sadly going to be disappointed).

Kennith and I are planning to get married on the 17 July after 16 years of being together and I am really excited about it – more than I thought I could ever be.

The one issue that lurks for me is my wanting to adopt a child versus his “I really am not so keen” approach to the same subject.

Kennith has listened to my rather emotional pleas and initially I thought he was reluctant, but would “allow” me to just run with this.

But as time moves on, and he has said certain things, I realise that I am deluding myself and the reality is that he is shifted into a “no” and he might even be saying no, I am just not listening/hearing him - or not willing to listen/hear.

I know I have three perfectly beautiful children who I adore.

I am already stretched in terms of resources, and struggle with being a mother to my children already – motherhood does not come easily to me, and I struggle with just about every aspect of it.

I know taking on a fourth child is a huge challenge – and especially considering the emotional issues surrounding adoption, and added to that a cross-cultural adoption.

I do not believe in fate, nor destiny, nor paths that we must follow because that is our way.

I believe stuff happens and we deal with it or we don’t. I don’t believe it always makes us stronger, I believe sometimes it maims and kill us.

But there is something about the “pull” of this "child" that resonates in my soul. To say that sort of “emotion” is so far not me, is an understatement.

I feel that there is this soul out there waiting for me. I can feel her, smell her, sense her. She is there just waiting for me. (how insane does that sound?)

Am I insane – yes, probably. I can even get a note from my doctor verifying it. Can I make this feeling stop, or ignore it – no, I don’t think so.

I think that my partner had a moment where he looked at the madness that is our household (have you ever tried to get three children ready on a Saturday morning to get ready to go out, when the cat has dragged in a semi-dead bird just to add to the mayhem …. fun times) and thought that adding a fourth child is just not sanity. How further will it tip the scales in our house, and how much strain will it place on our relationship.

It is not even that I do not agree with him. I do, I hear him, I can make a list of how beyond the chaos our household is.

I thought part of it might be a money issue – the added strain with a new child and whether that would take away from our ability to care for the three we already have.

But on several occasions Kennith has said of the many things we need to worry about money is not one of them.

We may have phases where cash flow is tricky, and we are not always as liquid as we like, but money for our kids and education is not something that we need to worry about – or so he reassures me. (We both work full time jobs/careers and have worked very hard to offer our kids more than we had growing up.)

But then I am screaming – literally screaming in my head – but why will you not “let” me adopt a baby!! Just let me do this.

I am so desperate to do this I can’t even put it into sane rational terms.

I realise that I need to remain unemotional and stay grounded in reality and accept whatever happens, it’s his decision too, and he cannot be forced to do something just because this is what I want to do.

But you know when you want something so much that you eat, sleep and breath it - but the worst thing is that you feel you “can’t” discuss it with your partner- the person with whom you discuss everything.

But I feel like I am a ten year old girl who is sitting waiting for her father to give her permission to do something, and it is literally eating at me every single day, and at the same time I am dead afraid to bring up the subject as I do not think I can bear to hear a “no”.

My sane part of my mind is saying wait - wait until February next year, and then raise the subject again. Allow this year to pass, with all the things going on, and by February maybe he will be in a better “place” to discuss it again.

But a part of me – the part that speaks to reality – feels/knows/predicts that he is going to say “no” and that I will probably hate him for it.

I really do not need a reply or consolation or someone to tell me that “God will assist you” or “things come to those who wait” and counsel me to be patient.

I really just want to put this post here so it is here, and then maybe I can feel mildly better that it is out there rather than running around in my head and making my heart and soul so sad that I want to cry each day.

I just needed a “place” to put it down and now it is down ...
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by Des on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 9:48

I folllow your blog religiously RM, hope you find some peace wrt to the adoption, soon!
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by Kerryw on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 10:04

have you thought of a half way test to see if you can solve this for both of you like fostering a child where you can help but it is not permanent then you both get to try it out without needing to make the comitment. ANd perhaps your soon to be DH (yay!) will change his mind or you will feel you have fulfilled your need.

I am in a similar kind of place I want a girl and somewhere I feel I would like to adopt her. but DH would rather have his own. So as it is someones life we are playing with I am not sure whether I feel strongly enough to go ahead. but luckily for now I have time as my boys are still too demanding for now.
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by Sheena on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 10:29

I have the same prob. My DH is not keen on adopting from the little we have discussed it. I am all for it as there are so many little people out there who need a mommy and daddy. I look at the little ones that are adopted on this site and I know I could do it quite easily. Would not even be a question for me.

We are not at that point yet so maybe if it did come down to the crunch he may decide differently but for now I know I would get a no.

I do think men don't quite get it sometimes.

Our situations are different but still. I have a friend exactly like you. She has 4 of her own and wanted to adopt. They are more than financially able to but her DH said no as well.

They landed up adopting in the end but under very different circumstances. A family member passed away leaving behind a teenage daughter who had no one.

I hope that you and your DH come to some agreement however I do think that communication is so so so important and you must not close off to him. He has not said a definite no and maybe he does need time but you don't want to find yourself in a situation where you CAN'T talk to him. You sound like you have an very good relationship so keep talking to him, discuss things openly and tell him how you feel all the time you may be pleasantly surprised.
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by reluctantmom on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 10:39

I am not sure if suggesting fostering is an option - I think Kennith knows how emotionally linked I will get to a child, and how it will destroy me to give the child up at a later stage.



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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by Hannah's Hope on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 12:19

I agree with you RM, I won't be able to give up a foster child either. The second Sam was placed in our arms he was irrevocably and forever ours. I can not imagine loving a child and then having to let him/her go. I have THE utmost respect for people who do that, but John and I won’t be able to.

Alas, the decision to have another child is one that both you and your husband must be in total agreement with (but I’m sure you know this already). I can tell you from experience that adoption is NOT an easy road and if you and your DH aren’t in total agreement it’s going to be a nightmare. Also, you don’t want to bring a child into your family if it’s not wanted by everyone, especially the daddy!!

I know you didn’t ask for advice/suggestions, but let me just say that I would talk calmly to your DH if I were you. I feel you have the right to ask him for specific reasons why he feels the way he does. Is he afraid he won’t feel the same about an adopted child? Is it the expenses? Is it because it’s a bi-racial child and people are biased? Is it because of the uncertainty factor? Maybe he’s afraid for your own children for whatever reason? I honestly feel he needs to give you a reason; he owes you at least that!!

I would also tell him that you understand/see his point(s) but that it’s VERY important to you (maybe he doesn’t realize just how important it is to you) and that he should at least hear you out. Then pour your heart out to him!!!

If your DH thinks he may to love an adoptive child as much as his own he may be wrong, but it’s still his perspective and you can’t force anything on him. I think you must try everything to change his mind, but if you can’t you have no other choice but to move on or to try again in a few months’ time. If you don’t, you stand the change to harm your marriage and the family that you do have.

Anyway, congrats on the wedding - that's such a nice excuse to have a hell of a party ;o)


PS: Here's a good artice on the subject: http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=457
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by reluctantmom on Mon 28 Jun 2010 - 13:18

Thanks Hannah's Hope - I appreciate your input.

I do need to speak to DH maybe when I am not so emotional about it - and reason through what his barriers are.
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by reluctantmom on Wed 2 Feb 2011 - 9:34

Unfortunately this has not progressed as I had hoped.

Kennith felt that three kids was more than enough, and a fourth is not ideal/an option. I still feel quite strongly about my choice to consider a fourth and looking at adoptin.

I think about it nearly every day, and it gnaws at me. I feel this overriding need to want to speak about it when ever there is a lull in conversation, but have not raised it since early-middle of last year.

I have decided not to raise the issue further as I do not want to alienate Kennith to the idea, or get his back up. I really am hoping that as the mania of 2010 subsides and we ease into 2011 he will reconsider if given the time.

One of our best friends is adopting now and her baby is due in February. I am thrilled for her, and so excited.

A large part of me is hoping that if DH is resistant to the idea of adoption he will see how well it goes for them (and I hope it does go well) and that might allow me "fertile" ground to raise the issue again.

So that is where I am right now.
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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by Haze on Wed 2 Feb 2011 - 9:43

RM, I also have a beautiful boy and wanted to adopt another baby, but DH is dead set against it...

I'm also not a natural mommy - it's a struggle for me to be a mommy - i've never been a maternal person but I love my son with my whole being, every time I give my little boy a hug or kiss, I can't help but think of an abaondoned child somewhere that will never experience a mothers love, that won't get a kiss on a knee thats been scraped...

Thank God we have not had to go thru the pain of infertility and I think a few people that are infertile will think i'm being selfish but I also would love to adopt a child, to bring a little abandoned soul into our house, give them a family... There are so many children out there that don't have a home...

Dh's reason for being against the idea is because he says he knows that he won't be fair to another child becasue no matter what the child won't have his DNA (I think it's the whole male thing of passing down the genes)

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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by reluctantmom on Wed 2 Feb 2011 - 11:18

Thanks Haze.

My DH has expressed concern that our 3 kids already are a lot to juggle in our lives, and adding another one, especially an adopted child might make things almost too complicated.

And he is probably right, but it does not stop me wanting it.

Like you I feel that though I find motherhood really really hard, and it is not a natural instinct for me, I look at the home we have and how much love we have (and doors being slammed, and tantrums) and I think that we have space in our hearts/lives for a child who does not have a family, who needs some crazy xmas days and mental Saturday mornings.

I wish I was not so desperate for this, and I wish I could just go "okay, it's not going to happen, put it out of your mind" - but like I said earlier literally when there is a lull in conversation I want to interject with this subject.

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Re: I just need a space ….

Post by Haze on Wed 2 Feb 2011 - 11:29

I feel just like you...

I want to give a little child a brother that is going to tease him, tie him up, fight who he can tease back but also a love that only a sibling can give, a brother that can also give him an adventure camping in the tent outside during the day and helping give me grey hair

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