The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

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The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Hannah's Hope on Wed 28 Oct 2009 - 17:40

Hi Girls, I posted this on my blog, but I would like to share my heart with you as well. Sorry if I seem a bit paranoid......

I know that I should be thankful and grateful and appreciative beyond words about the adoption and I am, believe me I am. But I am getting SO nervous about our baby's birth!!!!!! I haven't done this before and I am SO scared that I will say or do something wrong to antagonize the birthmom and that she'll decide I'm a horrible person and that she can never ever trust me to raise her baby. Our little boy's birth is 12 days away and I am nearly wetting myself with fear.

Yes, yes, it's 'normal' I know, but what is normal anyway? Adoption certainly isn't 'normal'. Let's be honest, a woman carrying a child for 9 months and then giving that child to another woman is NOT normal. Praiseworthy, commendable, incredible - YES, but NOT normal. And I suppose this is what's getting to me, the fact that I honestly do not know how to 'act' in front of the birthmom and I am scared to just be myself in case she doesn't like what she sees!!!

My husband is so relaxed in front of her and genuine and friendly and not nervous at all. In fact, he doesn't even seem nervous about having a newborn in the house. But I am!!! I am a bunch of nerves in front of the birthmom: I talk too much, I giggle too much, I fiddle too much, I smile too much it feels like I'm just TOO MUCH!!! My husband says that I am overreacting and that I seem totally 'normal' (yeah, THAT word again) to him and that I should just 'relax'!! (After 7 years of trying to conceive, failed IVF's and heartbreaking miscarriages I do not EVER want to hear the word RELAX again. EVER.)

So what am I nervous about? Mmmmm let me think.... Ok, I'll tell you what, I'll list my questions/fears/insecurities:

    *Our 'last' contact will be next week at the last sonar before the birth. Do I give her the letter that I have written a million times over in my heart trying to explain to her how I feel about her selfless decision and that I will never, ever be able to say thank you enough?

    *Do I buy her a special gift like a nice piece of jewelery or would just only remind her of her pain every time she looks at it?

    *Do I wish her well for the future? Do I say I hope you meet your child some day?

    *How do I react to the fact that she doesn't want ANY contact after the baby has been born? Do I tell her it's a mistake that I don't agree, that I respect her wishes?

    *The day of the birth. We are allowed in the theatre to be able to hold our baby straight after he is born:

    *Do I wish the birthmom luck before the caesarean (she's having full anesthesia)?

    *Do I hold her hand in theatre until she's gone 'under'?

    *Which side of the theatre are we suppose to stand at? At her head whilst she is 'under', or somewhere else?

    *Will the doctor give us the baby straight after he has taken him out or does he first have to be checked, washed and what not?

    *Will my husband be able to cut the cord? If not, why not?

    *Do I 'visit' the birthmom after the birth?

    *If yes, what do I say to her? Do I take the baby with? What if she still insists she does not want to see him like she's doing at the moment?

    *Can we send her a basket of flowers in hospital or is that inappropriate?

    *What about the birthfather? He is a bit unstable and it will be better for all concerned if he is not at the hospital but how do we handle this? Surely he has the right to support his girlfriend? What if he wants to see the baby and then when he holds him he can't let go and revokes his permission to adopt?

    *Do I ask her to write our son a letter that I can keep in his memory box for him to read when he is at a certain age?

    *How do I say goodbye to her?

    *When will our last contact be to say goodbye? What do I say to her?


And the questions go on and on and on but I think the question that encompasses all is:

WHAT IF THE BIRTHMOM OR BIRTHFATHER CHANGES THEIR MINDS?????

What then?????????????

Those are my fears, or actually, my one biggest fear.................


(Perhaps I should just mention that we are meeting with our social worker the day before the birth so that she can answer all our questions, but until then the questions are driving me crazy!!!!)
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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Landie on Wed 28 Oct 2009 - 18:52

oh hannah, i don't really know what to say to you. just try to stay positive (yeah right!!!) i believe that this is really hard for you. and all that i think we can do is to pray and pray.

i have no idea about the questions or how to answer them, but you are an amazing woman! you are doing such a loving thing. i can see from you post that you have one big and true heart full of love for this baby and even the mom!!

you are doing something that i want to do someday in my life!! really, we were busy with 2 cases of adoption. and now i have two loving kids i still want to adopt someday!!

to answer some of the questions. im think that you will be able to cut the cord! and while they are busy giving her general anesthesia you will not be allowed in the theatre but as soon as she is asleep they will let you in. they will probably cover her head with a cloth. as soon as the baby is out and nothing is wrong you will be holding him for a sort while. sometimes they will wipe him clean and do all the test but you will be with him seeing all this happening. then you will hold him!

good luck to you and about the fact that you want to give her something, i don't know. im the same! maybe just the letter wil be enough. and ask her if she feels up to it to write a letter for him. i think that he would love to read it someday!

good luck and i can't wait to see him!!

hope this helps, a little bit!!

remember we are here for you, always!!!

lots of love
landie
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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Riana on Thu 29 Oct 2009 - 5:13

Hannah, I'm not sure how to answer any of your questions other than to say stay strong, keep praying and let God's will be done. I cant even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now but in less than 2 weeks, you will be holding your little boy in your arms and you will know exactly what to do with the rest of your concerns/ thoughts wink

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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Haze on Thu 29 Oct 2009 - 6:21

Hannah, you are so a mom! Mom's worry about everything... and it is perfectly normal to worry about everything...

Whether you have your baby or your baby grows in someone elses tummy, there are a million questions that run thru your mind...

The birth mom obviously saw a quality in you that she liked or she would never have chosen you to be the mom, there are thousands of people wanting to adopt but she chose you! You are an awesome person and she's seen that!

With regards to the no contact, I think for now respect her choice because she probably has her own reasons for making that decision, however I really think that you should give her the letter....

I dont' know if they'll let hubby cut the cord but maybe discuss it with the social worker and let her talk to the birth mom.

Hang in there, soon you'll be holding you're little angel, whose grown in your heart, and all the stress, pain and uncertainty will disappear!

Beeeggg hugs flowerhi

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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Ilze on Thu 29 Oct 2009 - 7:20

The ladies said most of the things I want to said but I think talk with your SW, she will give you the best answer and if she don't know she can maybe talk to the BM and found out for you.

I don't know did you hear the song "Everything to me" Maybe you can give the BM a CD with this song so she could know that her choice was the right one.

Good luck and enjoy these last few days before you receive one of God's biggest pezzies
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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Joleen on Thu 29 Oct 2009 - 7:36

Hi Hannah

Right now I am crying as I read your post because you sound like a mother already and all your fears and concerns is normal and natural. I wont tell you to relax because your fears are justified and understandable as you have travelled such a long and scary road. You have to believe that she wont change her mind. By the sounds of things she is pretty sure of her position. Also you know her reasons for her decision.

From a mother to a mother let me tell you what I would want. I would want you to be you and you sound like such an amazing person and your BM has chosen wonderful people to become parents. I think you should ask her some of the things like can your hubby cut the cord, does she want you and your DH in theatre (you would stand at the head and the paed would take pics so take your camera with), would she like to see the baby etc. I would send her flowers and I would give her the letter the day when she leaves the hospital. Dont ask her for a letter for your son, if she wants to give him something she will.

I would ask her about visiting after the birth first. She might not want to see you and if she does, dont take your son with, perhaps some pics. If she asks you for pics then you will have to show her. Dont volunteer too much, take your cues from her. She will lead you as to what she wants. With regards to saying good - bye, say good-bye and ask her if she wants you to stay in touch, let her lead you. She might not want to at least initially. But perhaps chatting to the SW before will also help you to get most of your answers.

With a c-section they weigh the baby and will check to see that he is okay, they will clean him up and give him to you for a few minutes to hold before putting him into an incubator and take him to the nursery. That is what they did at my hospital. The DH normally goes with to the nursery. Perhaps ask the SW if that is okay and the mom normally goes to recovery. Maybe you would like to wait with the BM until she is taken back to the ward. Your DH would meet back with the two of you in the ward. The reason the DH goes to the nursery is to watch and keep an eye on baby. They normally tag the mom and the baby with the same ID tags.

I hope that I have given you a little of what I would do. When the time comes you will know.


Last edited by Joleen on Thu 29 Oct 2009 - 7:40; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : omitted some info)
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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Sheena on Thu 29 Oct 2009 - 8:21

Hi Hannah

Like Joleen I read this post last night with tears in my eyes. I wanted to respond right away but DH worked late with the PC so never got a chance to write back.

Hannah, I think you are an amazing person and your birth mom has obviously seen that quality in you as well otherwise she would not have made the biggest decision of her life to give you the honour of being her son’s mother.

I agree that you probably have more things to worry about and be nervous about because of the situation that you are in. I think every expectant mother goes through the questions and what ifs etc but in your case you have the added worry about all the moral concerns and what is right etc and as you have said this is a very “abnormal” situation.

As I am not in your situation and have NO IDEA exactly what you are going through..... All I can say is that you have to trust in your instincts and what your heart tells you. Keep the faith and know that you are in this situation for a reason.

With regard to your questions I have tried to imagine that I am you and the birth mom before giving my answers..........

I would give her the letter after the birth. Maybe like Joleen said, send her the flowers with the letter. I would not buy jewellery. To me the letter would mean more. It is sincere and from the heart. Jewellery is material and kind of takes away from the whole selfless act. I would wish her well for her future and reassure her that you will be the best mum possible to the gift that she has given you.

The fact that the birth mom has chosen full anesthesia kind of tells me that she does not want to see the birth or know anything about it. Although she knows she has made the right decision it is probably very hard for her so I would probably tend to agree with Joleen and say don’t take baba in to see her. Respect her wishes in this regard. Maybe sit down and talk to her after the last sonar and ask her these questions. She will probably admire you more for asking and that way she can decide once and for all and reassure you of what SHE wants as well.

If you ask the doctor’s I am sure they will explain the c-section procedure to you and I don’t see why your DH would not be allowed to cut the cord but again you will need to ask the hospital staff as I have never been in that situation and am just speculating.

I would also ask her if she wants you to visit after. It may be too painful for her to see you but in the same token she has probably grown to love you and trust you and you may actually bring her comfort.

The birthfather is a bit of a worry but he too has to respect the birthmother’s wishes so we just have to pray that that goes according to plan.

About the letter to your son. Maybe you can say to her that if she wants to give you something that you can give to him later in life she can but if she does not want to then you respect her choice. She has probably been mulling over it as well but is scared to talk to you about it.

I think your biggest fear about her changing her mind is perfectly natural and it is something that you have to think about because I am sure it has happened before BUT having said that she sounds like she has her head screwed on, loves your son, and knows that in order to give him the best go at life she HAS to do this.

I really do think that your best bet is to chat with her. It will be overwhelming and personal but maybe it is what you both need. I think it is important that you both know upfront what is expected so that there is no extra pressure on the day. It is going to be hard enough as is and you also want to be able to enjoy the moment that your son is born without having all the unanswered questions playing on your mind.

I think this is one situation where you have to put everything you have in FAITH and GOD and just pray that the decisions made upstairs are the right ones.

I trust that all will go smoothly but until then I will hold you in my prayers and pray every day that the birth and homecoming goes perfectly.

Lots of love, hugs and strength!!!
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God is good all the time!!

Post by Hannah's Hope on Fri 30 Oct 2009 - 13:32

Oh my word, you ladies are so, SO special!!! Thank you so much for every kind word and for being there for me, I appreciate you so much.

Well, God answered my prayers because the birthmom said that she wanted to talk to me alone after the sonar. I was as nervous as hell, but I really didn't need to be, she was great. She very patiently answered every single question I had, told me exactly what she would like to happen and assured me (again) that this is what she wants for our son. I got answers to most of my questions, isn't that absolutely incredible? I also had a long conversation with my SW yesterday and I said to her that I need for her to be more available to me than what she is at the moment. I then proceeded to share my fears with her and they were laid to rest.

Because you ladies are so great I would like to share the answers the Birthmom and SW gave me:

• Our 'last' contact will be next week at the last sonar before the birth. Do I give her the letter that I have written a million times over in my heart trying to explain to her how I feel about her selfless decision and that I will never, ever be able to say thank you enough?

*My SW said to give her the letter the day before the birth when I see her for the last time.

•Do I buy her a special gift like a nice piece of jewelery or would just only remind her of her pain every time she looks at it?

*My SW said it was up to me to give her a small token to remember us by but that we shouldn't feel insulted if she does not want it.

•Do I wish her well for the future? Do I say I hope you meet your child some day?

*I wish her well for the future (of course!) but I don't say anything about her meeting our son. It is private and it is up to her if she wants to see him when he makes contact with her.

•How do I react to the fact that she doesn't want ANY contact after the baby has been born? Do I tell her it's a mistake that I don't agree, that I respect her wishes?

*I spoke to the BM about this and she said she would like for me to send updates and photos of baba to the SW once a month for the first 6 months, then twice yearly until he's 4 and then annually. Should she then wish to, she will contact the SW to get the photos and updates. If she's not up to it, she'll simply not contact the SW.

•The day of the birth. We are allowed in the theatre to be able to hold our baby straight after he is born: Do I wish the birthmom luck before the caesarean (she's having full anesthesia)?

*I will not see her before the operation.


•Do I hold her hand in theatre until she's gone 'under'?

*Not allowed to.

•Which side of the theatre are we suppose to stand at? At her head whilst she is 'under', or somewhere else?

*We will be standing behind the green sheet next to the birthmom's face.

•Will the doctor give us the baby straight after he has taken him out or does he first have to be checked, washed and what not?

*The nursing staff will take the baby, give him a quick clean up and check if he's ok. With the paed's permission we will then be able to hold him for a while before they put him in an incubator/basinette and take him to the nursery. If he is fine after 2 hours he is allowed to stay with me and my husband in our private room in the maternity ward until we are given the all clear to go home which should be the next day at noon.

•Will my husband be able to cut the cord? If not, why not?

*My husband will be able to cut the cord, it will be arranged by the doctor.

•Do I 'visit' the birthmom after the birth?

*Only if she requests to see me. So far she is undecided.

•If yes, what do I say to her? Do I take the baby with? What if she still insists she does not want to see him like she's doing at the moment?

*The choice to see our son or not is entirely up to the birthmom and I am not even to enquire about this at all. I do not take the baby with unless she has specifically requested this. If she does want to see him, the social worker will either take him to the BM herself, or she would join me in taking him in. If she doesn't want to see me, the baby or either of us I have to respect that 100 %.

•Can we send her a basket of flowers in hospital or is that inappropriate?

*My SW says it's a very nice gesture that she is sure would be appreciated but we should stay away from soft 'baby' colours e.g. pinks, yellows etc. Also no red flowers so I thought about simple white roses with some greenery?

•What about the birthfather? He is a bit unstable and it will be better for all concerned if he is not at the hospital but how do we handle this? Surely he has the right to support his girlfriend? What if he wants to see the baby and then when he holds him he can't let go and revokes his permission to adopt?

*My SW says the BF may be at the hospital whenever the BM wants him there but he is only allowed to visit her once she is in the gynae ward in her private room. He is not allowed in the maternity ward or the nursery at all and should he request to see the baby he will only be able to do so with the SW's permission and under her supervision. My SW said not to worry about the BF, she will 'handle' him!

•Do I ask her to write our son a letter that I can keep in his memory box for him to read when he is at a certain age?

*I do not ask her to 'do' anything. She will do what she feels up to and whatever it is, I will respect that.

•How do I say goodbye to her?

*My SW suggested not to make it a long and drawn out affair, but to keep it short yet very honest. I am allowed to share my feelings with her and I am allowed to cry but I should try not to overwhelm her. If she becomes very emotional I should try to stay calm and hold her, hug or pat her back. My SW says touching when she is in distress will help her to calm down and I must allow the situation to 'lead' me.

•When will our last contact be to say goodbye? What do I say to her?

*The BM said that we should say our goodbyes the day before the birth for in case she is not 'up to' seeing me after the birth. She was very sad when she said this and we both cried. It's so difficult because to me she's not just an 'incubator'. She has become my friend and I have grown to love her very much and she says the feeling is mutual. I don't know what I'm going to say to her, but I know it will come from the bottom of my heart.

Wow, this is hard, hard, HARD!!!!! When you walk the adoption road you somehow never allow yourself to 'go there' with regards to specific questions like I had, but when the baby's birth gets closer you realize you have a truckload of them!

Lastly, I would like to share this note that the BM gave me before we left that makes EVERYTHING ok:

Its always so exciting to see you and John and not just because of the baby. It feels like you really care about who we are. I am going to miss you SO much! Time has really flied and I am glad we have become so close. We have grown to love you both and I am so happy about that. It makes everything so much easier. I am sure after a time of healing things will get better. But I also realize that we'll have to let go for all of us to be able to move on, and this makes me sad.....

I just want to reassure you that I have not thought of your baby as mine for a very long time. He has been yours since we made up our minds a long time ago. He is your baby and I feel this was all meant to be.. you have nothing to worry about. Everything will be fine - nothing can stop us now.


So, there you have it ladies. God has answered all of our prayers. And I will not let my fears about the birthfather get to me anymore. God is in control.

Again, thank you SO much for everything. Thank you Thank you Thank you

Lots of love,
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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by DJMommy on Fri 30 Oct 2009 - 13:37

Wow, your last post was hard. I am trying to imagine what my biological mom went through the day she gave birth to me.

I am so glad your questions have been answered and you have more clarity.

I like the white roses with greenery.

Good luck hun. You are often in my thoughts

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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Haze on Fri 30 Oct 2009 - 13:53

i'm crying my eyes out - it's so emotional and special to read something like this and to see it from both sides!

Might be a good idea to go and see her before the 3rd day blues set in, cos thats a time when you're really emotional - some of the other mommies might have a suggestion about this?

Hannah, you are such a strong and amazing woman.... may God bless you.

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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

Post by Sheena on Fri 30 Oct 2009 - 14:16

My skin is crawling with goosies and the tears are flowing.

This seems like a movie! I am so glad it has all worked out like this and I now know in my heart as well that everthing will be okay.

Enjoy your last 10 days with your amazing DH and then enjoy your son's birth.

I can't wait to see this PRECIOUS miracle!
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Re: The nerves are starting to get to me.....(VERY long post - sorry!)

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