The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

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The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Hannah's Hope on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 9:53

Ever since we have told people that our adoptive baby is being born on 17 November (and by the way I HATE calling him our Ďadoptiveí baby - he is our BABY) we have been inundated with the most bizarre questions and remarks you can think of. I know it may seem that Iím overreacting or exaggerating what people say - believe me, I am NOT. It is absolutely shocking and downright scary when you hear the things that come out of people mouths. Here are a few Ďgemsí to explain (and in capital letters the way I would LIKE to react but don't have the guts for):

"Arenít you scared the baby is going to be really dumb?"
AND YOU OF COURSE ARE AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE THIS?

"What do you do if he becomes a serial killer or a kleptomaniac?"
I WOULD BE MUCH MORE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR OWN OFFSPRING IF I WERE YOU. HE IS ALREADY PULLING CATSí TAILS AND POKING HIS FINGERS IN THE DOGíS EYES - AND YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT MY BABY?

"What exactly are the circumstances of the birthmother? Tell me everything!!!"
AND WHAT EXACTLY ARE THE CIRCUMSTANCES UNDER WHICH YOUR CHILD WAS CONCEIVED? WERE YOU ON TOP OR UNDERNEATH? HOW DID IT FEEL? TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!

"Now that you are adopting you are going to fall pregnant - you'll see, it happens every time!!"
AH FINALLY! A CURE FOR INFERTILITY - NOTIFY THE WORLD! WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU SAYING? THAT OUR ADOPTIVE BABY IS A MEANS TO AN END? THAT HE IS SECOND BEST? THAT WE WILL GET OUR RACHEL IF WE TAKE LEAH?

"How are you going to feel about the adopted baby if you have your own baby?"
MY ADOPTED BABY IS MY OWN BABY!!!!

"What if you love your real baby more?"
MY REAL BABY? WHAT IS MY ADOPTIVE BABY? PLASTIC?

"You never know whatís in the genes. Iíd be careful if I were you."
CAREFUL? MUST I LOCK MY BABY IN A CAGE AND SEND HIM TO A JUVENILE DELINQUENT FACILITY AS SOON AS HE STARTS KINDERGARTEN?

"I can not understand that a mother will give away her child. I will NEVER do it; there must be something wrong with her."
(I HAVENíT FIGURED THIS ONE OUT YET EXCEPT TO PUKE AND WALK AWAY?)

"You can never love anyone as much as you love your own blood."
OH AND I SUPPOSE THEN THAT YOU LOVE EVERY MEMBER OF YOUR OWN FAMILY, INCLUDING NIECES, NEPHEWS, COUSINS, AUNTS AND UNCLES MORE THAN YOU LOVE YOUR OWN HUSBAND (WHO IS HOPEFULLY NOT YOUR OWN BLOOD)?

"What will you do if the birthmother changes her mind and keeps the baby?"
People would NEVER ask a pregnant woman: WHAT WILL YOU DO IF YOU LOSE YOUR BABY? Or: ARENíT YOU SCARED YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A MISCARRIAGE? Or: WHAT IF YOUR BABY DIES FROM SIDS (COT DEATH)? Why oh WHY do they then let this question roll of their tongues like itís nothing?

My wonderful husband is constantly telling me Ďforgive them for they know not what they doí but it is very difficult for me to believe this. To believe that mature, grown-ups can say such hurtful, insensitive and downright stupid things? And if they were complete strangers it would have been easy to laugh them off. They are not. They are our close friends and direct family. Yes, they may not know much about adoption. Get a book!! Start reading, researching and start asking tactful questions. If John and I are important enough to them, they would.

May I just ad that some of our family members and friends are absolutely wonderful. Their acceptance and love for us and the baby are one hundred percent unconditional. They are perceptive and caring and they are mindful of our feelings and their questions are considerate and sensitive. They go through great trouble to get books and other reading material on adoption and they have familiarized themselves with the situation. I am eternally grateful to them for this.

I want to appeal to your senses and ask you to PLEASE be mindful of what you say to people who have adopted or who are in the adoption process. I realize that the average person out there does not have the knowledge and insight with regards to adoption that we have, simply because they have not researched or experienced the subject. That does NOT however give them the right to be rude, insensitive and inconsiderate. I really donít mind questions that are innocently impertinent and I usually very gently tell the person in a nice way that the question was not appropriate. But the people that said the things that I have quoted above are beyond help.

I'm sorry if this post seems a bit harsh, I just had a few really bad experiences lately............. :Shocked
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Joleen on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 11:48

Oh dear. The things people say. I agree with what your hubby says "forgive them for they ..." that is so true. I have learnt that people do not exercise tact and literally say the first thing that comes to mind without the least bit of consideration for the next person. After the birth of the twins, I experienced PND and you should have heard the things people said to me. I was devastated and one such kind lady opted to voice her opinion on facebook hence the reason I am no longer on facebook. She suggested I give my babies up for adoption, etc. People are so cruel. But needless to say I put my best foot forward and continued. Fortunately we medication and psychotherapy I am on the road to recovery. I also owe a special thanks to a friend on OPM who kindly messaged the person from FB and gave her her opinion. Well done for sticking up for me. Dont let this person get hold of your friends or family Hannah, as she wont be kind for which I am most grateful. If you cannot handle the heat,stay out of the kitchen. As much as we always want to be nice, I say give it to them if they are so thoughtless and cruel.

Just because a woman carried a baby it does not automatically make her a mother. If this was so, we would not have so many abdandoned babies.

No one has the right to judge the BM as we dont know her circumstances and are not in her "shoes". This must have been a difficult decisionfor her and one she did not make lightly. She is a better person for putting the interests of the baby first and to give it a better chance of a life that she is not able to provide for him or her.

Genetics, ah, they do play a role but equally so does the environment in which you raise a child. There is still a huge debate or the whole nature or nuture issue. So once again these people are saying that all criminals have adoptive parents as for murderers etc. Shoe, that means half of the population have been adopted? I dont think so.

Hannah, dont let them get to you. You are this baby's mother and no one knows what is waiting for him or her around the next corner. Yes, the BM might change her mind but in the same vein none of us knew the outcome of our pregnancies and even our outcomes could have been so different.

These last few weeks are as much your time as it was our time as we waited for the arrival of our babies and the moment to become mommies. You are waiting for your baby to be born just like we did.
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Ilze on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 11:59

People can be down right crule, forget about them and enjoy what God is giving you.

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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Sheena on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 12:09

If you had sent this around as one of those "stupid things people say" no one would believe it was true. What a bloody joke. I cannot believe the nerve of some people.

As Joleen says... as hard as it is, try not to let them get to you. This is YOUR special time and they must not be allowed to take away from it.

Believe me... I get it with TTC all the time as well. "Why don't you just go on holiday.. as soon as you relax and stop thinking about it, it will happen" OR my favourite... Why don't you just go have IVF?"... Yes dumbass, IVF is such a simple, cheap procedure that EVERYONE qualifies for and can afford.

Arghhhhhhhhh - It really grates my carrot so I know what you are saying. Some people just don't get it!

You and your hubby know in your heart what this child means for and to you and everyone else must bloody back off otherwise I may start sending messages to them as well!

Chin up.. not much longer now until you get to hold YOUR precious little miracle.
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Bel on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 12:20

Oh dear. People seriously don't think do they? I mean really. The things that come out of their mouths.

The things people say to me and what I have heard people say to my friends with babies ... all in all people always seem to know better and speak before thinking ... duh!

I think you are going to be a wonderful mother (not that I know you) but because of your whole experience and knowing how hard it can be to conceive. The love you will have for that little boy will be so amazing.

I think of just getting our cats, not blood and not human, and how my dh and I adore and cherish those little beings. I can just imagine the love you have already for your baby! Being blood or not!

You have been truly blessed by being given this chance.

People ... I just shake my head!

I think your BM was so brave to make the choice to carry your baby and give it up for adoption rather than aborting. She is giving a gift of a mirqacle to you who can't conceive!
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by DJMommy on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 12:24

SHame Hannah, I can understand why you are so frustrated right now, but like the other ladies have said, try not to focus on these stupid comments!!!!

By the way, I am adopted, and I am not dumb, a serial killer or kleptomaniac, and I seem to have decent enough genes!!!!! LOL!

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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Kim on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 13:02

(((BIG HUGS)))
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Lilly on Mon 14 Sep 2009 - 18:53

People can be so freakin insensitive!
maybe a few years back I would have thought all women like Joleen, Eve are crazy for taking on motherhood on their own, but now I have the worlds admiration for them!! I think that its the hardest thing a women can do - give up her baby, but women like yourself are there to give them the love, the life their biological moms want to give them but cant!!

I dont know if you can remember that lady from PE who was attacked by 2 guys, they slit her throat and cut her tummy open and left her to die next to a road? happened about 10/12 years back? well the one guy is from our town, came from a normal and stable family!! so I think its bullshit placing a label on an unborn child! A mothers loves all her children the same way - this is your baby, not biologically but he is your son and you will always love him even if you are blessed with child of your own! and if you do fall pregnant - wonderful!!! your son will then have a brother or sister!!

xx
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by michmac on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 11:04

Oh Hannah people are so insensitive!! I've been down this road and have been shocked at what comes out of some peoples mouths Oh my
I've heard most of those comments and they hurt no matter how much you try to ignore them especially when they are from someone close to you. I love your replies, wish i'd also had the guts to say some of those things!!!
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Hannah's Hope on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 17:24

Thanks for the support ladies, heaven knows, I don't have much of that lately!

Michmac, you have the most adorable baba - do you mind sharing your adoption story with us?

Warm regards,
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Landie on Wed 16 Sep 2009 - 18:59

oh hannah!! im soooo sorry!!

by the way, i love you name!! for some reason, i still don't know why, it has a special place in my heart!!
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by michmac on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 10:21

Thank you Hannah she is rather gorgeous if i say so myself wink of course i don't mind, I was given THE most precious gift and of course could talk about her all day long! She is growing up so quickly i can't believe she will be 6 months old in a week, she changes every day and amazes me all the time by the things she does and by what an incredebly happy little soul she is.

I started the adoption process in the beginning of 2008, went to see a local social worker, did all the interviews, tests, paper work and more paper work and of course the profile. By June 2008 I was registered and on the waiting list so then the wait began. I was told that it could take some time as i was a single woman adopting and most birth mothers were looking for a couple but my sw was quite positive that it would happen. Anyway as you probably know the waiting is a killer, it's all you think about 24/7 and in the first few months everytime your phone rings you think THIS IS IT!!!! The months ticked by and nothing happened, my sw got quieter and quieter, she was very strict about the fact that you shouldn't call her she would call you and if i did phone her it would take weeks for her to come back to me, but i don't want to bad mouth her because without her i would never have met the amazing sw that i was moved to. In the meantime i did the baby room, bought all the basic furniture cot, compactum, rocking chair, decorated the room and waited. Now that i look back the waiting doesn't seem so bad but at the time it was a killer. I now also know that in fact i didn't wait that long some people have waited alot longer but when you are in it it feels like FOREVER!
In Feb this year i got a call from a social worker in Somerset West to say that she was an associate of the sw i was with and that she would be taking over my file, at the time i was :confused i never received a call from my first sw to say anything about this and now i was just being passed along. I can look back now and laugh at how upset i was about something so silly anyhow i got ANOTHER date for a meeting with this sw and spent the next week worrying about starting the whole process over again only to meet her and realise that all that worrying and anguish was in vain. She was so easy to talk to and understanding and was the exact opposite of the first sw. Then on the 31 March i received a phone call at 6.55am, my baby daughter was COMING HOME!!!! She was 6 days old and she was coming home that night at 6pm Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy I can't begin to describe the feeling, so much joy so much happiness so much crying, i was a mom, something i had waited a lifetime for had finally come true. (as i'm sitting typing this i'm crying because i still can't believe that i got this lucky)
That day went by in a blur, lots of phone calls to tell everyone the MOST AMAZING NEWS, lots of running around to the shops to pick up all the things i didn't have, which was loads cause after i did the nursery just the basic furniture i didn't buy anything more. I had convinced myself that by doing the babies room i had jinxed the whole process and that to buy anymore stuff was just bad luck so that day i had find everything else which was probably a blessing cause it kept me from driving myself insane waiting for 6pm!!! At 5.30 that evening there was a knock on the door and i thought it was my mom arriving only to open the door and discover my sw standing there with a carry cot in her hand, i can't begin to describe to you the feeling, Hannah you will know soon when you hold your son for the first time, words can not describe it. It is just the most awesome feeling in the world to hold your child for the first time and realise that you are a mom, this is your child and it's both frightening and amazing at the same time! I think of Rebecca's bm often and thank her every day for the precious gift she gave me, she is an amazing woman who thought of her child before herself and chose me to give this precious gift to.

Sorry about this long post and hope it makes sense, i tend to ramble on :Embarassed
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Hannah's Hope on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 11:11

Oh wow, it's totally amazing. I truly believe that God chooses parents for babies, not babies for parents. You were meant to be this little angel's mommy!

Congratulations and thanks for sharing, it means SO much from me. You are probably still going to get LOTS of questions from me! LOL.

Warm regards
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by michmac on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 11:31

Hannah your questions are welcome anytime.
I see you only have 2 months to go WOW it probably feels long to you but it will go by so quickly and i know everybody has probably been telling you to get lots of sleep but honestly get LOTS OF SLEEP now cause that is one thing that goes out the window LOL!!

I read your story and it's amazing, made me cry Crying or Very sad so very happy for you and it sounds like the BM is an angel.

Chat soon
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Sheena on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 11:39

Girls.. stop it! You are giving me goosies and the tears are streaming again.

A friend of mine in Holland had cancer when she was 11 and had to have a full hysterectomy. She was on the adoption list to adopt a Chinese baby and after 2 years was told - SORRY we have a new law in China now that we do not allow anyone with a history of Cancer to adopt... so anyway.. just when she thought all her hopes were dashed they asked if she would be willing to adopt a child from Sri Lanka. She said, she did not care where the child came from as long as she could be its mother and give it a good home etc. SO Low and behold within a few weeks they got a call... they are there now visitining their little girl at the home until they can take her home some time this week.

She is 11 months old and only weighs 6kgs and looks a little worse for wear but with TLC and a great mummy and daddy I think she will be as good as new in no time. It is sooooooooooo amazing and just makes me feel so good that she now has a family!
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Hannah's Hope on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 13:25

Hi Mich, you're right EVERYONE is saying that I should enjoy my sleep - I wonder why? LOL.

Sheena, I think your friend is absolutely wonderful and how fortunate are they to receive a little gift from Sri Lanka from all places!!! Give's me goosebumps.

Lilly: I remember Alison! And you're so right about the guys who attacked her.

Eve: I didn't know you were adopted! It's awesome to see that you are a well-balanced, emotionally mature and very nice human being - contrary to what the idiots out there are saying about adoptive children. I'll make sure to keep you on my 'list' for any future questions ;o)

Bel & Ilze: Thanks for the kind words!! xx

Joleen: Your post was really insightful - thank you. And never apologise about long posts, I love reading them!!

KP: Right back at you!

Warm regards,
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by DJMommy on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 14:56

Michmac that is such a beautiful and inspiring story!!

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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Joleen on Thu 17 Sep 2009 - 15:36

Oh Michmac, what a heartfelt story. Its great to meet another single mom as I know the only other single moms on the forum is Debs, Honey and myself (sorry if I left anyone out)?
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by michmac on Fri 18 Sep 2009 - 6:28

Hi Joleen, thanks, it's nice to meet more single moms. see you are a mom to twins WOW :woman:
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Joleen on Fri 18 Sep 2009 - 11:39

Yes! I always said I wanted to have two babies if I should get married somehow I just did not meet "Mr Right" and decided to go it alone. And so I now have my two, a boy and a girl so I have one of each.
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Re: The silly things people say about adoption (long post)

Post by Hope852 on Tue 13 Oct 2009 - 6:34

Oh man you ladies made me cry now - you are all such an inspiration!
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